Sorry if your sick of the topic

[llyrafantasyfae]

I'll place it under a cut.
Lauren's post touched me. I'll admit I teared up. I may have been touched for different reasons then others. I get that we shouldn't judge other's life. And I completely understand that we shouldn't hate on them for it. I think that seems like common sense so it didn't effect me as much, except a "Hater's gonna hate" <---- stupid I know but welcome to my brain.
What made me tear up was all the pain behind those pictures. And the strength that she has to take them despite that pain. I don't have it. I am an open book. I hold all my emotions on my sleeve, or my face as the case may be. For me the bravest part of her post was not just reveiling the ugly behind the pictures but that she has the strength to still take them. So I was touched by the post. Commented on it and filed it away, until the follow up posts started. I read them, still had the "Hater's gonna hate," mentality but that was it until I read something "We shouldn't be creating an online persona, but showing the community our real selves." paraphrased of course. Uhhhhhhhh... wait a minute.... what if that is what I do want to do??
Except on here, here I let a lot slip. Most of the time I don't share everything simply because when things get rough in my life I withdraw. On my worst days, I want to stay in my bed, in the dark, cudding my Little Man. Everywhere else though I want the persona. In real life I am a giant ball of insecurity. More times than not I feel fat, ugly, stupid, and unloved/unlikeable. I am not confident in my sewing, skills, ideas... shoot pretty much anything. But that is me. That is my true self. That is Amy Lee.
But the persona I want to put forward isn't. She's (I'm) curvy, cute, fun, and creative. That is the self I WANT to put forward. I know its a persona. In fact she even has another name. Llyra Lee. Though I would be lying if I said thats why I created that name. I created the name because I want to keep my personal life seperate. With my and my husband's job choices its safer to keep any public persona I want to have seperate from my private/work self. But even if I got rid of the fake name I would still want the person the public sees to be the me that is confident and not the insecure one.
I know its kind of shallow but one of the ways I do that is by sensoring all the pictures I share on my blog, instagram and cosplay facebook page. I know its nothing new to take a hundred pic and only like 10 or so. But I do it even with selfies. I may not take 100 but I probably take 10 for that 1 'good enough' photo. And then I photoshop it. I take away wrinkles and undereye circles. In fact I did it today. Stupid selfie to show what my hair looks like after I let it down, out of the braids I had it in. But for me the right one is just so much better, stupid picture or not.

If its more than a selfie I may do some slimming tricks. I'm really not that skilled in photoshop yet. If I was I am sure I would do even more.  As it is I crop alot. The nasty curve of my lower belly, under the corset, that I think just makes me look super fat. I crop the picture to just above that point.

And I don't see it as lying. I'm not putting photos of other people up and saying they are me. I am just putting the best me I can forward.
I don't know where I am going with this anymore.... I hope it makes sense to someone...

Comments

[ravenessdotcom.livejournal.com]

Amen sistah! I crop too.

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

The only problem I have found with this is I don't have many full length photos....

[bauhausfrau.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of us crop and use photoshop, I know I do! And man, ALL my selfies are taken with my arm up in the air because otherwise I have 2-4 chins.

I think there IS something to be said for the fake it til you make it approach. I think that acting like that other person can slowly sort of make you truly feel that way. I know I do this with areas of myself I want to change.

And for the record, I think you're beautiful, kind, talented and fun. <3

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

I think you nailed it on the head and I have a new title for it. Fake it till I make it.
Does putting your arm up really help? I am willing to try anything that gets rid of chins, until I lose the weight of course.
And thanks, that makes the insecure me smile.

[girliegirl32786.livejournal.com]

I totally understand this. I am really shy and self-conscious in real life, but costuming allows me to put myself out there in a way that I wouldn't otherwise be able to. Not only does it give me self-confidence, but it allows me to focus on things that give me joy rather than the million anxieties that crowned my mind every day. I fully believe in the idea of showing the world the self you want to be. *hugs*

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

It makes me happy that others understand. This is my confidence boost. This is my happy. I'm realize it's a little vain, but that's not my primary goal.
*hug*

[jenthompson.livejournal.com]

High five, my photoshoppin' sista! Ain't no shame in it, and I think your photos are beautiful!

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

It makes me a little happier that it doesn't have to be a dirty little secret. I will happily be your photoshoppin' sista! And thanks!

[nuranar.livejournal.com]

One of the Dale Carnegie things: "Act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic!" Boiled down, fake it 'til you make it. Pretend hard enough, and you'll be it. I think that's why a lot of shy people make such good actors. I'm shy, and performing has helped me SO much. I paste that smile on, I pull out that energy, all for the show - and I end up having a marvelous time and full of confidence afterward. Looking pretty and presenting myself well are just the same thing. (((HUGS)))

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

I think that is going to be my new motto. "Fake it 'til you make it." You are so right, it is a lot like acting. And if I didn't share on LJ I might be able to get away with the illusion that I am all the things I want to be. But it would be acting. I am happy I can put my best self forward, where I want but I have here to show the real me. And who knows the self-conscious unsure me may fade away until I do 'make it'.

[mala-14.livejournal.com]

I think that it's empowering to create a persona that you can present to the world. It's taking control of who you are and who you can be. You are super talented and awesome and it's great that you're able to show that off online, even when you feel less awesome in real life. (But, really, you are super awesome!)

[starlightmasque.livejournal.com]

I never for one minute thought it was wrong to crop and improve photos. It's been done since the dawn of time, does anyone really think it's a bad idea? Photography is art, and it includes enhancing and artful cropping to present the subject in the very best and most flattering position. Beautiful things perfectly presented is inspirational and entertaining. No one wants to see tired run down stressed out models and actors in their magazines or on TV, OR BLOG, unnecessarily showing all their dirty laundry to the world. I think people can present themselves any way they want to-- raw or photoshopped-- it's no one's damn business but their own what they want to show the world. I like the person you are, and the persona you present-- it's all YOU!

BTW, you looks so terrific in all the photos above! The Captain America photos are delightful and make me grin, so glamorous and bold and beautiful!

[trinnyt.livejournal.com]

Good photos are all about finding the right angle, and yes, the arm in the air works. It's about stretching out the neck to get rid of the double chin. Even front on in a photo you can do it by pushing your chin forward and slightly up.

I don't bother photoshopping myself usually, although I really wanted to when I had an allergic reaction at Supanova this year that left me with really ugly red "hey I've got chicken pox" type welts all over my chest.

I read alot of these posts as well, and they were really touching. I'm a super private person, but I think at the end of the day, my blog is to remind ME of all the really cool things I've gotten to make and do, so I'd rather look back and see the positives.

Not that there are enough people in the world reading my stuff and commenting for me to get a "my life is too perfect" complex. :) I've learnt to live with the fact that I'm not that cool.. haha

[sewaddicted.livejournal.com]

This! (Which might be why we are friends) I started my lj more for me to remember & motivate myself. I didnt expect to have fame or following ... that'd freak me out TBH.

I put more personal things on LJ cos its got privacy settings, & edit or omit what i cross post to blogspot. I've had a stalker & not going to be too open without privacy settings.

[trinnyt.livejournal.com]

My heart, there are SO many reasons we're friends.. :)

[koshka-the-cat.livejournal.com]

Drive by comment to let you know I think you're pretty awesome!!!

And I admire you for posting this. And think you're an awesome seamstress. And friend :)