Slight Rant,

[llyrafantasyfae]

gripe, and reasons for why I can't sleep at night....
Reason 1: Still no job.

Reason 2:  Hubby and I have hit a really hard patch.  We are both jobless and the stress is getting to us. There are other reasons also. We are working on them but this is defintetly a challenging time. I know all marriages go through them, and it will make or break us. It seems like break us more often then not lately, but doesn't it always when you are right in the midst of it.

Reason 3: In the past year or so, someone I considered a great friend slipped out of my life. The hardest part for me is there was no reason. Or at least no reason given, even though I asked. To me this is extremely hurtful. Am I the only one that would prefer to be cussed out and yell at, but at least told what I did wrong??? They just stopped talking to me. We have mutual friends so I still see and hear from/about them which makes me want to cry. They were the kind of friend that I would of done almost anything for and I really valued their friendship. Why does it feel almost like I got broken up with? I have been trying to reason with myself to just get over it but dangit it HURTS!

Reason 4 and probably the main reason for my depression right now: Thanks to the military I was on motrin and naproxen everyday for 5+ years straight. 6 months ago they told me I had decreased kidney function, which no one told me was a side affect of that much motrin use, and they were going to start watching it. About a week ago I got checked again and I dropped another 16 points and am now in Stage 3.  While there is a chance it could stop dropping, even gain some points back, in all likely hood I have a couple years left before I will be in full kidney failure. Not the kind of news I expected at 27. In fact it terrifies me. I don't think there is a better word to describe it.

Reason 5:  I suffer from depression and also have a minor anxiety disorder... Normally these are well treated by meds. Lately not so much... probably because all of the above reasons. I feel completely and utterly out of control. I have been bottling it all up but I know that doesn't help anything so I figured I would vent. Who knows maybe someone reading knows what I am going through and has some words of wisdom.

Comments

[mandie-rw.livejournal.com]

Eeep! That's all really rough; I highly doubt I'd be sleeping, either, with all that dumped on me! :(

I wish I had anything like words of wisdom to offer you, but nothing's coming to me. Blah. Just wanted to let you know I'm reading, thinking of you, and hoping things get better for you!

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It means alot.

[reine-de-coudre.livejournal.com]

wow... you will absolutely be in my prayers. i can't even imagine how frightening this must be for you. i was just diagnosed with depression myself and have started taking meds and seeing a therapist. i think the best thing is just having someone to talk to about all your fears, to know that you're not alone, and that people love you and care about your well being. try to spend time doing things you enjoy and that make you feel better, even just a little bit. i wish i had more help to offer... my faith has gotten me through a lot. i pray that you will be able to find peace...

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

Thank you. If you ever want to talk about your depression you can talk to me. I was diagnosed about 5 years ago, after I got back from the war. Thats when I figured out I don't process stress well. Thank you for your prayers most of all. Lately I have been praying mostly for strength but its helpful to know someone else is praying and thinking of/for me too.

[koshka-the-cat.livejournal.com]

I have no words of wisdom, other than that's a lot you're going through, and you shouldn't in any way feel bad for feeling bad. I hope things look up for you soon.

[llyrafantasyfae.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I think I just really needed to get it out, before it consumed me, and my hole just got deeper.

[sewaddicted.livejournal.com]

I hope you dont mind me commenting, I'm here through a friend's f-list. That's an awful lot of reasons for not sleeping, and each of them a good one.

Don't know if it helps you or not to know that i went through something similar a couple of years ago, when the economy first went cactus. I was profoundly under employed (11 weeks no income & 7 months of 21 hours pw as a casual in one tax year), and at the same time a close friend dropped me. That made a hard time even harder than it had to be. I still don't know why she dropped me, though she told a mutual friend we'd discussed it. The conversation we had was "there's a problem, I won't say what it is and we can never, ever discuss it". So we didn't, and our friendship vanished. I found that harder than the money stuff, and even more pointless.

When I had a 2 hour crying jag on the bus, at the doctors and the supermarket one day, another good friend said to me that with what I'd been dealing with for so many months, if I hadn't had a depressive moment *then* there would be something wrong with me. That it was a reasonable response, but that if it was more than a moment to get professional help with it.

One thing that kept me plodding forward was knowing the universe isn't static, and even if it felt like life was stuck in a bad spot that it wouldn't remain like that. And it didn't, thought it was 10 months I never want to repeat.